Suicidal Swan song

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I don’t remember when the age was
When I realized the perceptions
of the people who believed in something
else, and I felt sad for the first time
I was ten when a grandfather died
Tortured by people he had trusted so
Or so my parents told me
And then, I made some gross jokes
at his funeral because I did not know
How I would cope.
I was thirteen when I got my view
Of sadness that was so entirely mine
that for days I tried to construct back
a life that would belong to me,
She was everything I could claim to want
And when I was young, I could feel the vibrancy
She talked and talked and talked
And made me believe in love
Only when the string broke, I knew
She was imaginary and I felt broke again
I was seventeen when I found that I did not love
Like other people did
He was intelligent, a beautiful man
The most beautiful person I would ever know
And he talked of stories and literature I did not
Understand. and I pretended to be in the know
I was in love again and this time I knew.
Expectations galore, and everything
Pushing against a small window trying to break
I wanted to write and I was written
So, I wrote something on my skin instead
A statement of naivety and wrong
And I cried all night.
The first thing that had gone wrong
The first thought of bullying came as an adult
and whenever I read of survivors I felt sad
Because I had chosen to be the silent spectator
But, that was guilt for the sake of it
and I understood my best flaw
I could not be angry, I could not be sad
because all the while, I would be guilty
And I could not be happy because someone else
would be sad because of me
Amass amass amass
Build build build build
Broken circular sheets of pain written in a running hand on a sheet I cannot understand
You were a scrawling
An etch a sketch
And you broke me most of all
Because you did not deny
But, remained silent
and in that silence you let my doubts grow
But, at the end it was not your fault because
I had always been the worst person who would be
Calm, I was born
and I walk out to find my father’s face hidden by smoke
My mother’s face hidden behind comments and thoughts
That she gave much more weight to
And I realized late that I had become more and more
Of a mask of expectations like my mom
And at the end of the day I was enveloped in a smoke
Decadence,
I write my first novel and I wish to shred it
Forgotten by tides of time, and reopened by another
Like a wound made again and again and again
By a rusty blade I cannot let go of
Cheap psychology.
An attraction
A pitfall
Unattainable
Intellectual
Fuck

She

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She smelt of strawberries
That you found in the market
After everyone had left
The scent of something that was there
Just a moment before

She looked like the sun
And I don’t know where she began
I knew when she ended, it made me
Feel that I was merely Earthly
And she would clear all the rains

She felt like porcelain
All beautiful, slick and perfect
never could detect an emotion
That would marr her face, no matter
What she caused in people

Cancer Stick

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I held it in my mouth to look cool
To make people think that I was
Doing great in whatever space
I occupied at that very moment
And it worked too, walking through
The silent place that was my city
I saw the passers by look and
Then turn away, as if I radiated
Some sort of magnificence
Whenever I had the cancer stick in my mouth

I always blamed my father for not
Being there as I grew up, I thought
That it was the norm for everyone
To see their parents weather away
The tragedy of life all mirrored in
The ashes on a ashtray, that I
Tried to hide in vain in order to help
Him quit you, and yet, he would
Never listen, never hear my pleas
Or see what I meant when I hid you
And there he is still weathering away
You are grasped firmly in his mouth, the cancer stick

And thus it comes to pass by today
I really have little to say or feel as I
Stand in front of the river with a smoke
Among my fingers, trying to make sense
Of why I cannot let go of it, let it be
Let the pain pass me by without the aid
Of a certain thing that is harming me
But, I do not understand, I really do not
I am stuck there on the lonely space
Alone with myself, like my father
And I let out another ring
Alas, she is still mine, the burning cancer stick

Of Love

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You asked me to write of the greatest drink I had
And for me intoxication was synonymous with love

The intoxication that spreads through the veins and
Touches your innermost parts, that is love

When the children chimed in and sang a new song
The one who hasn’t ever sang also sings out of love

The bell rings that end of the day, and they rush out
One boy remains to help his wounded friend with love

The food gets eaten way too fast and everyone forgets
Yet, the husband waits for his wife to eat because of love

A child takes up the bucket of water up the stairs
Because his grandmother is too old to carry, and that’s love

 

Losing Hope

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The wait was long, lasting for ages and ages
They all wished and wished for total death
For the hours had come and gone, there was
Little left to do for them. Heaven can wait
For taking its new captives but, these people
Would accept hell. It grew from that, the music
Stopped playing in the place, the ghettos
Grew strange, there was no tune or guitars.
“Hey Jude! Did you hear the musician play?”
And Jude just cried and cried until the asker
Went away. It was true that God loved all
Yet, its hard to believe that someone is 
Still loving you, when you have lost all faith

 

A slight challenge, guess all 5 song titles mentioned here, and mention the bands that played them

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